On Keeping Score

I think, one of the most damaging things to any decent relationship, friendship or otherwise, is marking things n a scoreboard and comparing the results.  I know this, because I’ve done it, and paid for it.

“Oh well I did this, this and this.  And you did that and that, so you owe me one.”

There’s a saying I use that I need to remember to follow more often “There are no debts between friends and family.”  I invoke it on those occaisions where I may have loaned money to someone, because I never call it a loan, I call it a gift, and sort of accept the loss.  That way if I am paid back, it’s a happy surprise.

If only I had the brains to apply that to everything.

How many times have we felt unappreciated?  And then well, WHY do we feel unappreciated?

Even when we do something amazing, why do we do it?  If we do it for the accolades, then yeah, we’re screwed.  We’re not going to get everything we want.  If we do it for ourselves, then who gives a shit if its appreciated or not?

I’ve had a hard time enforcing the “No talking about the other relationships” rule with him.  The others are what’s on his mind, chewing at him, pretty much constantly.  So they’re what he wants to talk about.  I try to remain noncommittal, and find something else to distract him, but it’s hard.  Usually because whatever’s eating at him is going on right then.

I seriously, sincerely have no problem whatsoever with the others, as long as he’s content with them.  I can’t be there all the time, I do a lot.  I want him to be able to have fun and unwind with any of them.  I LIKE doing a lot.  I LIKE managing the project.  Even when there’s power struggles and head butting going on.  I LIKE running my business in SL..a LOT actually.  I like DJing, I like teaching and leading discussion groups.  I even like being able to be there for my friends (and often times people I don’t even know) when they’re having a hard time.  And I like hanging out with him.  Watching bollywood youtubes, roving sims, shopping, building, whatever.  I like that we can just hang around and not even really talk to each other, but do whatever it is that we do.  Kind of like that comfortable place where you can sit in the same room with someone andyou don’t HAVE to talk don’t HAVE to distract.  It’s comfortable and nice.

What I don’t like is him stressing.  I don’t like him feeling like a dish to be spooned out in equal portions. People don’t work that way.  Heck God said that.  When he talked about treating all your wives fairly, he also says it’s absolutely inpossible.

What I also don’t like is people telling me they don’t “play games” or “Aren’t manipulative.”  Everyone’s manipulative, everyone plays the game.  It’s biological imperitive.  And the people who say they don’t are often the biggest players out there.  I make a conscious effort not to be manipultive.  But I find myself second guessing everything I say to him in case it could be perceived as manipulative.

My first tactic was to pull back, to say “Look, if people want to cut you up into portions, then maybe if I don’t take a portion, it’ll be easier.”  But then every time I do that, I worry if I’m being manipulative.  Add to that that when he does basically force me to take a portion, there’s someone always reaching from behind to steal from the plate, and I just feel futile.

I respect, profoundly, his responsibilities and the things he wants t do.  The time he spends with others.  If he’s with someone else, I leave him alone.  I’ll ping him to let him know about work related things in one fell swoop, and get instructions and then go do stuff.  But I respect that his attention needs to be elsewhere.

It rankles me that no one else has that same respect.  But that rankling is from keeping score.  Again, if those people had ANY idea how hard I fought on their behalf, how I defend them, how I treat them respectfully it wouldn’t make the LEAST bit of difference in any of it..I’m still a manipulative bitch, I’m still evil, and I’m sitting on the greener grass at least from their side of the fence.

So.  Better not to keep score.  Better not to get bothered when in the middle of a vibrant conversation on something fun like music, he goes dead silent in IMs from people who, when he’s paying attention to them, I don’t interrupt.  Because it just ticks me off, and I don’t like being ticked off