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Just a Neat Pic

July 5, 2009

Just a nifty pic I took for Obscure Reality.
Redemption

Doin it in Grayscale

May 11, 2009

Being in one of those creative blocks, you know where you have ideas but they’re not coming out right in production…. Obscure Reality’s been a great vent for that.  Weirdly enough not just because of great RP and stories…But I think, because the sim is in grayscale.

Artists…and I hardly call myself one, but there’s a creative process so…run into something called “Fear of the Blank Page.”  Basically looking at a completely white page or canvas feels so overwhelming that whatever ideas there were, flush out in the face of all that blank whiteness.

So I get my CMFF Template guides open, fill in where I want stuff filled in…and…yeah…blank out.

I have Drawings.  But Fabrics are a wash.  Or I have a Fabric but the drawing is a wash.

It’s been driving me batty

So OR gives my brain somethingto do other than obsess over the fact that I’m skeerd of the blank page.Syngen DCS

Tossing up my Hands…

April 30, 2009

I’ve been incredibly careful not NOT say anything.  No matter how many blog posts attack me, I’m not saying anything.  Wasn’t my relationship, didn’t have a say in it, two people can screw up a relationship just fine without a third one along.  But you know what?  Fuck it.  I’m not “living in fear” either.

 

Honest to God, I have absolutely HATED saying anything around this person because literally every single word I say gets twisted and turned and poisoned so that she can manipulate it into playing some kind of victim while she goes on these passive aggressive gossip streaks that just…piss me off.  Not even because they’re about me.  I don’t give a shit, sincerely what someone like that “says” about me.  But because they annoy my friends, and the people who know me.

 

And because I DO get asked.  To which I have not defended myself, or disparaged her.  But just said “You know me, or you don’t.  If you actually think I’m that base, then, maybe you weren’t that good of a friend to start with.”  And those people, meh.  She can have.

 

I’m getting frustrated at the Gor thing though.  It’s like “Annoy Grab Get into a screaming match, repeat.”  Which is part of what’s got me Hyped about Obscure Reality.

 

It’s not a Grabby “I wish I was a man” match.  It’s not me trying to play myself down to accomodate some idiot.  Instead…I get to be the villain.

 

I LIKE playing that villain role.  I LIKE fleshing out the story.  I hate when people who don’t know any better figure that’s who I am.  But then if they’re looney to think that who I play in a game is who I am, well…that’s kind of.. enough said

The Death of Mercy

March 28, 2009

SO I didsomething I haven’t done in a while.  I bucked it up, and RPd for a weekend.  And it was HARD.

The general mood of where I was, and all the threads left dangling was incredibly oppressive.  And what I found?  Character-wise- I was a cold, calculating distant merciless villain.  Everyone, everything around that character was something to be bought, sold or killed.

I usually start out pretty dull.  Typically polite, though appropriately surrounded by guards.  But of course, guards get bored, they want t do other things than hover around some woman.  And then the gloves come off.

I astound myself sometimes with how incredibly villainous I can be.  Of course, in my head it’s all for the greater good.  And I often think of a couple of stories I heard once about honor and loyalty.

Two lords are arguing over loyalty, and who has the most loyal men.  The first one said “I’ll show you my men are more loyal than yours”  And he called in the cpatain of his guard.  “Kill yourself” the Lord order.  And without hesitation the captain fell onto his sword, ending his life at the command of his lord.

The second lord nodded and said “That was simple though.  Let me show you true loyalty.”  The second lord called in the captain of his guard.  And to his captain the second lord commanded “Kill me.”  The captain did, of course, without hesitation.

The second was a question of morality and ethics and I presented with ages ago, and I think sums up my current character perspective pretty neatly.  Which is more loyal?  The one who rises above, never ruffling his feathers or soiling his shoes in the name of honor.  Or the one who will debase, and defile himself if it benefits that which he is loyal to?  

I think, that weekend showed me that character-wise, I am likely the latter.  I am the one who will kill my lord on his command.  The kind of person who will shoulder the disparagement and sneering and mistrust of others if whatever I have done benefits that which I am loyal to.  I..will commit treachery as an act of loyalty.

And so.. mercy has no place with that character. I will murder the king to save the kingdom.  I will do pretty much whatever ugly nasty cruel things needs doing, if it is to the benefit of who I am loyal to.

And I kind of like that character twist.

Eight Facts about me…

March 25, 2009

A long time ago, Dear tagged me with that goofy fun thing where you say eight things about yourself and then tag eight other people to make them say eight things about themselves.  I didn’t d it at the time because well, everyone I knew had already been tagged, and I really genuinely at the time didn’t feel like it.  I’m also a bit skitchy about giving away too much of my RL.  But over salsa and chips, I talked to my husband about this post and he gave the nod so..here goes.

 

1.  I am absolutely bat nuts insanely in love with my husband.  SL may be a vent an exploration of feelings I’ve never really had the chance or understanding to express, but at the end of the day, the best parts are his.  I am astounded, each day, at how much a part of each other we are, how my world is affected by his presence.

2. I love to look at him when he thinks I’m not looking.  Does he look the same now as when we met?  no, and thank God for it.  I know every inch of him, the way he smells, the way he feels, the way he looks, and it’s not the same as it was when we met.  I’m always quietly exploring him, learning about him.

3.I actually, physically need him.  The house feels weird if he’s not here.  Things feel out of place, I feel overwhelmed.  And when things are piling in on me, he sits down with me we get them done.  And then we’re looking back over what we’ve accomplished and I’m trying to figure out how it was so easy.

4.He doesn’t snore.  But he does grind his teeth.

5. He has never raised his voice at me.  I’ve railed, I’ve pitched fits, I’ve gotten angry and been fuming.  But not once has he ever raised his voice at me..ever.

6.He accomplishes so much with so little.  The economy’s been rough on us, very rough.  But there’s still a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, food in our stomachs.  How he does it all, I’m never entirely sure, but we’re not in debt. I get cool toys, we go cool places, we do stuff. andhe just makes it happen.

7. He thinks I’m funny.  And I love making him laugh and smile.  He has a great smile.

8. He exhibits a LOT of control over me, but it never feels like control.  It feels like he never asks for anything, it just happens.  No titles, no boxes, no names for it.  It just is what it is.  He never seems to want anything from me, but he gets everything.

 

If I could box him up and give him out as gifts to the women I know who are sick of men, I would.

On Keeping Score

March 15, 2009

I think, one of the most damaging things to any decent relationship, friendship or otherwise, is marking things n a scoreboard and comparing the results.  I know this, because I’ve done it, and paid for it.

“Oh well I did this, this and this.  And you did that and that, so you owe me one.”

There’s a saying I use that I need to remember to follow more often “There are no debts between friends and family.”  I invoke it on those occaisions where I may have loaned money to someone, because I never call it a loan, I call it a gift, and sort of accept the loss.  That way if I am paid back, it’s a happy surprise.

If only I had the brains to apply that to everything.

How many times have we felt unappreciated?  And then well, WHY do we feel unappreciated?

Even when we do something amazing, why do we do it?  If we do it for the accolades, then yeah, we’re screwed.  We’re not going to get everything we want.  If we do it for ourselves, then who gives a shit if its appreciated or not?

I’ve had a hard time enforcing the “No talking about the other relationships” rule with him.  The others are what’s on his mind, chewing at him, pretty much constantly.  So they’re what he wants to talk about.  I try to remain noncommittal, and find something else to distract him, but it’s hard.  Usually because whatever’s eating at him is going on right then.

I seriously, sincerely have no problem whatsoever with the others, as long as he’s content with them.  I can’t be there all the time, I do a lot.  I want him to be able to have fun and unwind with any of them.  I LIKE doing a lot.  I LIKE managing the project.  Even when there’s power struggles and head butting going on.  I LIKE running my business in SL..a LOT actually.  I like DJing, I like teaching and leading discussion groups.  I even like being able to be there for my friends (and often times people I don’t even know) when they’re having a hard time.  And I like hanging out with him.  Watching bollywood youtubes, roving sims, shopping, building, whatever.  I like that we can just hang around and not even really talk to each other, but do whatever it is that we do.  Kind of like that comfortable place where you can sit in the same room with someone andyou don’t HAVE to talk don’t HAVE to distract.  It’s comfortable and nice.

What I don’t like is him stressing.  I don’t like him feeling like a dish to be spooned out in equal portions. People don’t work that way.  Heck God said that.  When he talked about treating all your wives fairly, he also says it’s absolutely inpossible.

What I also don’t like is people telling me they don’t “play games” or “Aren’t manipulative.”  Everyone’s manipulative, everyone plays the game.  It’s biological imperitive.  And the people who say they don’t are often the biggest players out there.  I make a conscious effort not to be manipultive.  But I find myself second guessing everything I say to him in case it could be perceived as manipulative.

My first tactic was to pull back, to say “Look, if people want to cut you up into portions, then maybe if I don’t take a portion, it’ll be easier.”  But then every time I do that, I worry if I’m being manipulative.  Add to that that when he does basically force me to take a portion, there’s someone always reaching from behind to steal from the plate, and I just feel futile.

I respect, profoundly, his responsibilities and the things he wants t do.  The time he spends with others.  If he’s with someone else, I leave him alone.  I’ll ping him to let him know about work related things in one fell swoop, and get instructions and then go do stuff.  But I respect that his attention needs to be elsewhere.

It rankles me that no one else has that same respect.  But that rankling is from keeping score.  Again, if those people had ANY idea how hard I fought on their behalf, how I defend them, how I treat them respectfully it wouldn’t make the LEAST bit of difference in any of it..I’m still a manipulative bitch, I’m still evil, and I’m sitting on the greener grass at least from their side of the fence.

So.  Better not to keep score.  Better not to get bothered when in the middle of a vibrant conversation on something fun like music, he goes dead silent in IMs from people who, when he’s paying attention to them, I don’t interrupt.  Because it just ticks me off, and I don’t like being ticked off

I get my Honesty questioned.. a lot.  Something that absolutely baffles me.  I will grant I will say something at one point, circumstances may change, and what I said sort of defuncts itself.  The Sky is blue….but only in the daytime, when it’s sunny, and clear.  Doesn’t make the sky any less blue at the time of stating.  But while the storm’s there, the sky’s not blue is it?  So was the initial statement a lie?  Or did circumstances merely change?

I think…for it to be a lie, there has to be an intent of deception.  That’s what pisses us all off right?  We never get mad at people for being mistaken, we do get mad when they deliberately deceive.  I don’t..typically deliberately deceive people.  Even people I don’t like.  I am of course a person of contradictions.  What’s true to my heart today may be completely wrong for me tomorrow.  But people are mercurial like that.  Even consistent people have quicksilver features.  So it gets down to what is consistent about me?

I’m pretty consistent about following through on something when I say I’ll do it.  If talk bigger than my capacity to act, then I let someone know I just bit off more than I could chew.

I’m pretty consistent on fighting for my friends.  If I have to go to the mat, I will.  Even when I don’t agree with them.

I genuinely don’t like to hurt people.  Even when I’m angry, and lash out, I always feel pretty shitty afterwards.  Even if I know I did the right thing.  Even if I genuinely just don’t like them.  Actually actively moving against someone kinda turns my stomach.  Doesn’t mean I won’t do it.  Just means I don’t like it.

I’m capable, easily, of being incredibly manipulative, and succeeding at it.  But since I don’t like to hurt people, and manipulating someone ALWAYS hurts someone, I make a very conscious effort not to.  I do like to win, but I do not like to win that way.  So, I actively don’t.  often to my own detriment.  And despite that fact…I still get accused of it anyways.  Which pisses me off.  If some people who did get pissed at me and accused me of things had any idea how hard I had fought for them, how hard I had argued with someone else on their behalf, how staunchly I had defended them, it probably still wouldn’t change a damned thing because my defending someone can only go so far.  They still lose, and they still get pissy at me.  because you know.. no good deed ever goes unpunished.

So I got accused of lying in my blog.  Say wha?  Why would I Lie in my Blog?  I don’t like people to read my blog really.  Rather, I don’t like hearing about it a lot.  But honestly?  I don’t censor comments here.  I keep a moderation filter on to trickle off the spam and unrelated BS, but I’ve never deleted a comment on here.I don’t censor the comments because I don’t censor myself either.  So whatever I write, at that particular moment is quite true, in my head.  And that truth, as my blog of contradictions can attest easily….will vary, change or flat out flip flop from day to day.

So.. I’m reviewing things in my head.  And trying to figure out why I’m still at mad at him.  I mean shit… in the end I got exactly what I wanted, and then some.  But getting here?  Sucked.  It’s cost me a LOT of friends..or rather people I thought were friends.  And that bites.  On a lot of levels.  Feeling left behind, as they move on to what appears, at least on the face to be bigger and better things.  Feeling disappointed.  Feeling…stupid.  Like how the hell could I miss that?  How could I not see that about that person or this person because now it’s so glaringly obvious.  And Feeling stupid because I didn’t see a flaw in myself and seeing it now, I can’t really go back to anyone who matters and try to correct it.

So there’s that empty spot where these people were.  There’s a few of them.  Giving me a sort of swiss cheese sensation. Some holes bigger than others.  Some hidden behind thin layers of cheese.  And so now I have to figure out, is it better to have a few big obvious holes, like true Swiss cheese?  Or are a lot of little holes structurally better?  Like Emmental?

Should I get matching bricks of each cheese and see which can support the most weight?

I know Cheddar’s out of the question.  But then, while sharp cheddar is harder, it’s more crumbly and brittle.  And I do not like crumbly and brittle in my cheeses.

Well, whether I’m Swiss or Emmental, for all the holes, I still taste like cheese.

Question is….could those holes ever be filled back in?  Or.. are they as much a feature of me now as they are of the cheese?  Are they part of my flava?

Because I’m coming to conclusion that Blogs tick people off.  When you’re honest in them at least.

Because I don’t alays have nice happy thoughts.  And if I lie and make nice happy posts when that’s not what’s on my mind, it’s not really blogging then is it?

That’s not to say good things haven’t happened.  But that frankly I get to a point where if I can’t think of something nice to say, I’d rather say nothing at all.

So some things have happened that…I probably would have blogged about.  But I can’t think of anything nice to say about them.

But for the good stuff:

I’m sunk neck deep into the clothes business.  and LOVING it.

I’m sunk neck deep into Project Saleria and loving that too.  Despite its pitfalls, I believe in the idea.  And I love being a part of what makes it tick.

I have, over the course of things, gotten some opinions seriously readjusted.  People I used to admire.. I don’t anymore for various reasons.  And some people, who I listened to others disparage..and..sadly enough joined in on the disparaging…those people have come through like stars in a cloudy sky for me.  And I admire them more than I ever realized.

And the man I work for.  I have developed a kind of affection for.  Nothing epic or wild.  a simple warmth.  he has an unwavering patience, and an uncompromising passion that I admire greatly.

Maybe I should clarify that.  I started working for him.  Stayed out of the personal stuff, kept it professional.  But when his personal stuff took a blow, he opened up to me.. mostly just because of proximity, about what was happening and all thehows and why’s of it.  I listened.  And here’s this man who had every right and reason to be so incredibly angry about the whole thing.  And he just…wasn’t.  And that…kind of amazed me.

But I hung back.  Not out of some ‘OMG I’m Restraining myself” kind of thing.  Just a matter of simple professionalism. But you can’t work that closely with someone, and have them open up to you without feeling like you can open up to them.  So professionalism went friendly.  And I like it.  I’ve developed a geniune warmth toward him.  Not something I don’t understand, but something that makes sense.  I’m not always questioning, I’m not driving myself batnuts over what I mean to him.  I just don’t worry about it.

He gets me.  He knows my Eastern mind, and knows how to talk to me and things make sense.  He’s not waffling around on me.  He’s not attempting to appear mysterious or obtuse in an attempt to hold my interest.  We can talk to each other and it makes sense.  And that counts for a lot.

I needed to clear out some of those slavey pics in my profile…so I replaced them with these:

freedom

sacrifice