I get my Honesty questioned.. a lot.  Something that absolutely baffles me.  I will grant I will say something at one point, circumstances may change, and what I said sort of defuncts itself.  The Sky is blue….but only in the daytime, when it’s sunny, and clear.  Doesn’t make the sky any less blue at the time of stating.  But while the storm’s there, the sky’s not blue is it?  So was the initial statement a lie?  Or did circumstances merely change?

I think…for it to be a lie, there has to be an intent of deception.  That’s what pisses us all off right?  We never get mad at people for being mistaken, we do get mad when they deliberately deceive.  I don’t..typically deliberately deceive people.  Even people I don’t like.  I am of course a person of contradictions.  What’s true to my heart today may be completely wrong for me tomorrow.  But people are mercurial like that.  Even consistent people have quicksilver features.  So it gets down to what is consistent about me?

I’m pretty consistent about following through on something when I say I’ll do it.  If talk bigger than my capacity to act, then I let someone know I just bit off more than I could chew.

I’m pretty consistent on fighting for my friends.  If I have to go to the mat, I will.  Even when I don’t agree with them.

I genuinely don’t like to hurt people.  Even when I’m angry, and lash out, I always feel pretty shitty afterwards.  Even if I know I did the right thing.  Even if I genuinely just don’t like them.  Actually actively moving against someone kinda turns my stomach.  Doesn’t mean I won’t do it.  Just means I don’t like it.

I’m capable, easily, of being incredibly manipulative, and succeeding at it.  But since I don’t like to hurt people, and manipulating someone ALWAYS hurts someone, I make a very conscious effort not to.  I do like to win, but I do not like to win that way.  So, I actively don’t.  often to my own detriment.  And despite that fact…I still get accused of it anyways.  Which pisses me off.  If some people who did get pissed at me and accused me of things had any idea how hard I had fought for them, how hard I had argued with someone else on their behalf, how staunchly I had defended them, it probably still wouldn’t change a damned thing because my defending someone can only go so far.  They still lose, and they still get pissy at me.  because you know.. no good deed ever goes unpunished.

So I got accused of lying in my blog.  Say wha?  Why would I Lie in my Blog?  I don’t like people to read my blog really.  Rather, I don’t like hearing about it a lot.  But honestly?  I don’t censor comments here.  I keep a moderation filter on to trickle off the spam and unrelated BS, but I’ve never deleted a comment on here.I don’t censor the comments because I don’t censor myself either.  So whatever I write, at that particular moment is quite true, in my head.  And that truth, as my blog of contradictions can attest easily….will vary, change or flat out flip flop from day to day.

So.. I’m reviewing things in my head.  And trying to figure out why I’m still at mad at him.  I mean shit… in the end I got exactly what I wanted, and then some.  But getting here?  Sucked.  It’s cost me a LOT of friends..or rather people I thought were friends.  And that bites.  On a lot of levels.  Feeling left behind, as they move on to what appears, at least on the face to be bigger and better things.  Feeling disappointed.  Feeling…stupid.  Like how the hell could I miss that?  How could I not see that about that person or this person because now it’s so glaringly obvious.  And Feeling stupid because I didn’t see a flaw in myself and seeing it now, I can’t really go back to anyone who matters and try to correct it.

So there’s that empty spot where these people were.  There’s a few of them.  Giving me a sort of swiss cheese sensation. Some holes bigger than others.  Some hidden behind thin layers of cheese.  And so now I have to figure out, is it better to have a few big obvious holes, like true Swiss cheese?  Or are a lot of little holes structurally better?  Like Emmental?

Should I get matching bricks of each cheese and see which can support the most weight?

I know Cheddar’s out of the question.  But then, while sharp cheddar is harder, it’s more crumbly and brittle.  And I do not like crumbly and brittle in my cheeses.

Well, whether I’m Swiss or Emmental, for all the holes, I still taste like cheese.

Question is….could those holes ever be filled back in?  Or.. are they as much a feature of me now as they are of the cheese?  Are they part of my flava?


Because I’m coming to conclusion that Blogs tick people off.  When you’re honest in them at least.

Because I don’t alays have nice happy thoughts.  And if I lie and make nice happy posts when that’s not what’s on my mind, it’s not really blogging then is it?

That’s not to say good things haven’t happened.  But that frankly I get to a point where if I can’t think of something nice to say, I’d rather say nothing at all.

So some things have happened that…I probably would have blogged about.  But I can’t think of anything nice to say about them.

But for the good stuff:

I’m sunk neck deep into the clothes business.  and LOVING it.

I’m sunk neck deep into Project Saleria and loving that too.  Despite its pitfalls, I believe in the idea.  And I love being a part of what makes it tick.

I have, over the course of things, gotten some opinions seriously readjusted.  People I used to admire.. I don’t anymore for various reasons.  And some people, who I listened to others disparage..and..sadly enough joined in on the disparaging…those people have come through like stars in a cloudy sky for me.  And I admire them more than I ever realized.

And the man I work for.  I have developed a kind of affection for.  Nothing epic or wild.  a simple warmth.  he has an unwavering patience, and an uncompromising passion that I admire greatly.

Maybe I should clarify that.  I started working for him.  Stayed out of the personal stuff, kept it professional.  But when his personal stuff took a blow, he opened up to me.. mostly just because of proximity, about what was happening and all thehows and why’s of it.  I listened.  And here’s this man who had every right and reason to be so incredibly angry about the whole thing.  And he just…wasn’t.  And that…kind of amazed me.

But I hung back.  Not out of some ‘OMG I’m Restraining myself” kind of thing.  Just a matter of simple professionalism. But you can’t work that closely with someone, and have them open up to you without feeling like you can open up to them.  So professionalism went friendly.  And I like it.  I’ve developed a geniune warmth toward him.  Not something I don’t understand, but something that makes sense.  I’m not always questioning, I’m not driving myself batnuts over what I mean to him.  I just don’t worry about it.

He gets me.  He knows my Eastern mind, and knows how to talk to me and things make sense.  He’s not waffling around on me.  He’s not attempting to appear mysterious or obtuse in an attempt to hold my interest.  We can talk to each other and it makes sense.  And that counts for a lot.