The Death of Mercy

March 28, 2009

SO I didsomething I haven’t done in a while.  I bucked it up, and RPd for a weekend.  And it was HARD.

The general mood of where I was, and all the threads left dangling was incredibly oppressive.  And what I found?  Character-wise- I was a cold, calculating distant merciless villain.  Everyone, everything around that character was something to be bought, sold or killed.

I usually start out pretty dull.  Typically polite, though appropriately surrounded by guards.  But of course, guards get bored, they want t do other things than hover around some woman.  And then the gloves come off.

I astound myself sometimes with how incredibly villainous I can be.  Of course, in my head it’s all for the greater good.  And I often think of a couple of stories I heard once about honor and loyalty.

Two lords are arguing over loyalty, and who has the most loyal men.  The first one said “I’ll show you my men are more loyal than yours”  And he called in the cpatain of his guard.  “Kill yourself” the Lord order.  And without hesitation the captain fell onto his sword, ending his life at the command of his lord.

The second lord nodded and said “That was simple though.  Let me show you true loyalty.”  The second lord called in the captain of his guard.  And to his captain the second lord commanded “Kill me.”  The captain did, of course, without hesitation.

The second was a question of morality and ethics and I presented with ages ago, and I think sums up my current character perspective pretty neatly.  Which is more loyal?  The one who rises above, never ruffling his feathers or soiling his shoes in the name of honor.  Or the one who will debase, and defile himself if it benefits that which he is loyal to?  

I think, that weekend showed me that character-wise, I am likely the latter.  I am the one who will kill my lord on his command.  The kind of person who will shoulder the disparagement and sneering and mistrust of others if whatever I have done benefits that which I am loyal to.  I..will commit treachery as an act of loyalty.

And so.. mercy has no place with that character. I will murder the king to save the kingdom.  I will do pretty much whatever ugly nasty cruel things needs doing, if it is to the benefit of who I am loyal to.

And I kind of like that character twist.

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Eight Facts about me…

March 25, 2009

A long time ago, Dear tagged me with that goofy fun thing where you say eight things about yourself and then tag eight other people to make them say eight things about themselves.  I didn’t d it at the time because well, everyone I knew had already been tagged, and I really genuinely at the time didn’t feel like it.  I’m also a bit skitchy about giving away too much of my RL.  But over salsa and chips, I talked to my husband about this post and he gave the nod so..here goes.

 

1.  I am absolutely bat nuts insanely in love with my husband.  SL may be a vent an exploration of feelings I’ve never really had the chance or understanding to express, but at the end of the day, the best parts are his.  I am astounded, each day, at how much a part of each other we are, how my world is affected by his presence.

2. I love to look at him when he thinks I’m not looking.  Does he look the same now as when we met?  no, and thank God for it.  I know every inch of him, the way he smells, the way he feels, the way he looks, and it’s not the same as it was when we met.  I’m always quietly exploring him, learning about him.

3.I actually, physically need him.  The house feels weird if he’s not here.  Things feel out of place, I feel overwhelmed.  And when things are piling in on me, he sits down with me we get them done.  And then we’re looking back over what we’ve accomplished and I’m trying to figure out how it was so easy.

4.He doesn’t snore.  But he does grind his teeth.

5. He has never raised his voice at me.  I’ve railed, I’ve pitched fits, I’ve gotten angry and been fuming.  But not once has he ever raised his voice at me..ever.

6.He accomplishes so much with so little.  The economy’s been rough on us, very rough.  But there’s still a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, food in our stomachs.  How he does it all, I’m never entirely sure, but we’re not in debt. I get cool toys, we go cool places, we do stuff. andhe just makes it happen.

7. He thinks I’m funny.  And I love making him laugh and smile.  He has a great smile.

8. He exhibits a LOT of control over me, but it never feels like control.  It feels like he never asks for anything, it just happens.  No titles, no boxes, no names for it.  It just is what it is.  He never seems to want anything from me, but he gets everything.

 

If I could box him up and give him out as gifts to the women I know who are sick of men, I would.

On Keeping Score

March 15, 2009

I think, one of the most damaging things to any decent relationship, friendship or otherwise, is marking things n a scoreboard and comparing the results.  I know this, because I’ve done it, and paid for it.

“Oh well I did this, this and this.  And you did that and that, so you owe me one.”

There’s a saying I use that I need to remember to follow more often “There are no debts between friends and family.”  I invoke it on those occaisions where I may have loaned money to someone, because I never call it a loan, I call it a gift, and sort of accept the loss.  That way if I am paid back, it’s a happy surprise.

If only I had the brains to apply that to everything.

How many times have we felt unappreciated?  And then well, WHY do we feel unappreciated?

Even when we do something amazing, why do we do it?  If we do it for the accolades, then yeah, we’re screwed.  We’re not going to get everything we want.  If we do it for ourselves, then who gives a shit if its appreciated or not?

I’ve had a hard time enforcing the “No talking about the other relationships” rule with him.  The others are what’s on his mind, chewing at him, pretty much constantly.  So they’re what he wants to talk about.  I try to remain noncommittal, and find something else to distract him, but it’s hard.  Usually because whatever’s eating at him is going on right then.

I seriously, sincerely have no problem whatsoever with the others, as long as he’s content with them.  I can’t be there all the time, I do a lot.  I want him to be able to have fun and unwind with any of them.  I LIKE doing a lot.  I LIKE managing the project.  Even when there’s power struggles and head butting going on.  I LIKE running my business in SL..a LOT actually.  I like DJing, I like teaching and leading discussion groups.  I even like being able to be there for my friends (and often times people I don’t even know) when they’re having a hard time.  And I like hanging out with him.  Watching bollywood youtubes, roving sims, shopping, building, whatever.  I like that we can just hang around and not even really talk to each other, but do whatever it is that we do.  Kind of like that comfortable place where you can sit in the same room with someone andyou don’t HAVE to talk don’t HAVE to distract.  It’s comfortable and nice.

What I don’t like is him stressing.  I don’t like him feeling like a dish to be spooned out in equal portions. People don’t work that way.  Heck God said that.  When he talked about treating all your wives fairly, he also says it’s absolutely inpossible.

What I also don’t like is people telling me they don’t “play games” or “Aren’t manipulative.”  Everyone’s manipulative, everyone plays the game.  It’s biological imperitive.  And the people who say they don’t are often the biggest players out there.  I make a conscious effort not to be manipultive.  But I find myself second guessing everything I say to him in case it could be perceived as manipulative.

My first tactic was to pull back, to say “Look, if people want to cut you up into portions, then maybe if I don’t take a portion, it’ll be easier.”  But then every time I do that, I worry if I’m being manipulative.  Add to that that when he does basically force me to take a portion, there’s someone always reaching from behind to steal from the plate, and I just feel futile.

I respect, profoundly, his responsibilities and the things he wants t do.  The time he spends with others.  If he’s with someone else, I leave him alone.  I’ll ping him to let him know about work related things in one fell swoop, and get instructions and then go do stuff.  But I respect that his attention needs to be elsewhere.

It rankles me that no one else has that same respect.  But that rankling is from keeping score.  Again, if those people had ANY idea how hard I fought on their behalf, how I defend them, how I treat them respectfully it wouldn’t make the LEAST bit of difference in any of it..I’m still a manipulative bitch, I’m still evil, and I’m sitting on the greener grass at least from their side of the fence.

So.  Better not to keep score.  Better not to get bothered when in the middle of a vibrant conversation on something fun like music, he goes dead silent in IMs from people who, when he’s paying attention to them, I don’t interrupt.  Because it just ticks me off, and I don’t like being ticked off